You bend your ear
To hear the song of the broken hearted
The tears and doubt
Fists pounding the ground
Hold me tighter
While I thrash around
And in the moment
It almost feels like you love me more
You are stable
When I can’t seem to hold on
You steady my weak feet
When the sadness befriends
And fear keeps me company
Come love me there
Lift up my eyes
To face all your goodness
Come love me there
Not just a skipped beat
But a heart stopped
And while I lay there
Without hope, life left hollow
You took my place
Lived my sorrow
What can I do
What can I say
To say enough or give enough praise
What would it look like
What would I sound like
Oh beautiful Christ I let go
How can it be
That I should gain
From questioning you?
Not trusting you?
When love feels like a sting in my heart
I cry out
I scream and shout
Throw words like knives that pierce your side
All while you burn for me
All while you love me so fiercely
Sometimes I sense the wind against my flesh, but I cannot feel it.
Sometimes the only thing that penetrates my body making its way into my soul is a profound sadness.
It threatens to seize me with its friendship. Keeping me company when joy cannot find its way in.
When love hurts too much to enjoy.
I might know truth.
But I don’t want it.
The sound of trite religious affirmations tighten around my chest and I can’t breathe.
“God has a plan.”
“It will happen.”
“Don’t be discouraged.”
Don’t you dare rob me of my mourning! My grief makes me FEEL!
I hate the weight of sadness, but I cannot rush past it for death was meant to be grieved.
When will it leave me alone? But don’t leave me here!
When will the crushing weight lift? But still tuck me in at night.
Stay close so I can feel the life that has left me.
Grief. My solace. My illusion of a heartbeat.
Healing, I fear, should detach me from my child.
You see my heart is forever transformed. My heart is a mother.
My ache is for the one my body couldn’t hold. Couldn’t nurture. Couldn’t know.
God, I’m so sad.
A shell of myself. I ache. I yearn.
Unexpected, like a thief in the night. Death came and snatched out life.
I feel vulnerable. Violated. Emptied.
And also hardened. Angry. Impenetrable.
A profound sadness.
But unlike any other sadness I don’t wish it away because it tells me that it is my only connection to what I lost. And my mother heart cannot bear to lose that connection to my child.
A mystery of sadness.
But the heavy weight is a lie of comfort.
For You, Jesus, take my burdens, bore my sin and sadness so that I may live.
That I may feel life IN you. And the life that was lost in me.
El Roi. The God who sees me.
Flood my mother heart with healing.
What if I let you come love me there?